Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
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4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.