Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

work smarter, not harder

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*