*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
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HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Breaking news:
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry