*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
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My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Natty or not?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
