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If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.