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Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.