Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
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Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!