Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!