Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

yikes

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

Windchimes

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”