Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

Voting is the worst group project

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

i now pronounce you bounced.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!