Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
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[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Every work meeting this week
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane