Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

ㅤ

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?