Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.