*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
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every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Breaking news:
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Always the camel, never the toe.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance