This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
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gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Just a friendly reminder!
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
the pigeons are already plenty salty