Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
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Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
At least my masseuse has my back.
Why am I like this?
