Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[shakes fist at other fist]
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!