Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

This might be the funniest tweet ever

Smells like a challenge to me

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

catch me on valentine’s day like

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls