Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.

Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

Cha-ching is my safe word

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.