Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )