Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
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Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Investing in beetcoin
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.