Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it