Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
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Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.