Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.

In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*

In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

This could be us… but you playing

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer