Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake