Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
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DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Unexpected Judgment
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.