Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
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Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.