Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro