Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
#SuperBowl
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
These are my roll models.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.