Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”