Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
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Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
wow
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .