Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
What if the weather talks about us?
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”