Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
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We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
house sitting!
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?