Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
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imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I don’t know what to do
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant