Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
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They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
He’s cranky this morning
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.