Danger is very dangerous
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Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
*weighs self after shaving
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.