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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Why I divorced her.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY