Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

I love texting my boyfriend

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

Beware…..

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family