Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

We decided to have money instead of children.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.