*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
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told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.