*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
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I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.