Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*