*dangling legs in the ocean*
๐ฆ: is for me ๐๐๐ฅบ
You Might Also Like
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Vet: “I can see the headโฆ
โฆhere’s the neckโฆ
โฆmore neckโฆ
โฆmore neckโฆ
โฆneckโฆ
โฆneckโฆ
โฆneckโฆ
โฆstill more neckโฆ
โฆneckโฆ
โฆit’s a giraffe!”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh noโฆIโm not shopping. Iโm just here for the music
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. pottsโ
beast: you know Iโve been too scared to ask
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling โempty nest syndrome?โ
ME: Whatโs that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because theyโre gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Iโm bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.