Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???