daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
