daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
