Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.