Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.