Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?