Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

Bros before Ohioes

Worst Native American name ever.

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

i now pronounce you bounced.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.