Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

there has never been a better use of this meme

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp