Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
lol
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
58.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
bugs when you lift up a rock
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*