Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
You Might Also Like
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Still my favourite meme.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.