Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
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Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I forgot how to panic. Help
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”