Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?