Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

edward fingerhands

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.