Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

okay run it by me one more time

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.