Her: I want you to tie me up.
Her: Blindfold me.
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m hyper observant
Interviewer: You have mustard in your beard
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me: I love you. DON’T LEAVE.
Stray cat: I have a boyfriend.
How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can’t take out the garbage.
*picks up beef bouillon
*decides against it
*puts it down
*picks up chicken bouillon
– stock exchange