@fowlerism

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

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@ArfMeasures

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

@TheAlexP

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

@TySmithdrums

Hey, girl. Are you a potato? because I’m about to. Mash. You. Up. Oh. You ARE a potato. And a talking potato at that. My meds aren’t working

@JoParkerBear

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

@iamspacegirl

“Makin all the ladies drop they panties” I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.

@vjraines

Most women want a man who can make them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja. Good to know

@Tmoney68

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

@LnL245

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

@LisAHHHHHHHH

please bring me a bottle of your freshest wine no more of this cheap old stuff

@Social_Mime

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes