DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
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You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
real
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Grow up never but we old may grow we
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.