DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
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Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.