Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

what is cheese if not milk persevering

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

My plans: 2020:

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.