Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”