Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days