Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.