Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

😂

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.