DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
multitasking lunch
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.