DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.