@SirEviscerate

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

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@tdwyer618

“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”

“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

@DevilryFun

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

@TheHyyyype

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

@leakypod

me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out

hitman:

me:

hitman: is this ur garbage