DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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If half-empty water bottles were currency, I’d be rich af.
“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”
“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
WHAT DO WE WANT?
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
me: [slides picture over] my wife needs u to take him out
hitman: is this ur garbage